Back in February, we had a couple chances to celebrate the Asian New Year with other adoptive families.  At one celebration the kids had a chance to make a simple version of Yut-nori. 

It’s a great activity because
{one} it’s fun to make
and
{two} it’s fun to play.

You can find the directions for making and playing here.

Here’s what Mia’s looks like.

PJ’s was much more complicated with a chutes and ladders type feel. Shocker, huh?

In theory, the day Ty physically joined our family should have been one of the happiest of our lives.  In fact, it was quite the opposite. 

As the months turned into a year, I started realizing that Ty was a half a planet away bonding with a foster family…not us.  Oddly enough, my heart was aching for the foster family.  After all, we were moving toward a joyous time when Ty would join our family–forever.  On the other hand, his foster family was preparing for a time of great grief because they were giving him up–forever. 

We were able to spend time with Ty and his foster mother (FM) twice, at Holt, before we picked him up.  Both times, I noticed his FM tearing up from time to time and the reality of what we were about to do began to sink in, bringing me to tears.

Even though I had considered the foster family’s loss, nothing could have prepared me for the day we picked him up.  The smartest thing Patrick and I did was to ask our moms to take the kids out shopping so that we could go to Holt alone.  We figured the kids would be a distraction and I wanted to be fully present for the occasion.  We entered Holt and were met by the FM and her husband.  The Holt social worker (SW) met us in the baby clinic where the exchange took place.  She gave us Ty’s immigration papers and a diaper bag filled with Holt souvenirs (Korean baby shoes and a formal first birthday portrait of Ty and FM), pajamas, diapers, fever medicine, and wipes.  FM added a sippy cup, straw cleaner, and his toothbrush.  We then gifted the foster family with a DC t-shirt for the father, candy and cookies for the brother, and bath stuff for the sister and mother.  Up until this point, I hadn’t gotten a good read on what the FM thought of us…or more importantly… me.  I’m not sure how I would have felt in her position, but I desperately did not want her to see us as the enemy–foreigners taking away a child she loved as her own.  Then, before we took Ty, she offered me a hug that had all of us in tears in front of the nurse, SW, and a number of other babies with their FMs.  It was the best gift she could have given me. In that moment, I felt like we understood each other.  I tearfully thanked her and promised to write and send lots of pictures.  Then, we gathered up our belongings and Ty and walked out of the Holt office with everyone watching.  The foster father followed us out and gave the most heartwrenching farewell that crossed all language barriers as we disappeared down the street. 

Ty did amazingly well on the trip back to the hotel.  He seemed to think he was on some great adventure.  We arrived in the hotel room and began to take off his shoes. In the quiet of our hotel room, at that moment, something clicked in Ty’s head… and the world came to an abrupt halt. Perhaps confusion or perhaps his worst nightmare had come true–two virtual strangers had taken him away from the only mommy and daddy he remembered.  For what seemed like hours, he just tightly wrapped his little arms around Patrick’s neck without a sound. And then, after an unknown amount of time, we finished the job of removing his shoes. He then sobbed… and sobbed… mournfullly he sobbed, grieving tears–crying for “oma” (Korean word for mommy). Patrick and I cried with him.  We had this awful feeling like we had just kidnapped someone else’s child. Questions like “Would his foster family have adopted him if we had not come along?” and “What have we done?” floated through our minds.  We had talked about future adoptions in the past, but on this day, I was sure that I would never do this again. 

Fortunately, children–or at least Ty– are resilient.  We had a huge breakthrough when Ty stopped crying long enough to scarf down play with and occasionally nibble at Patrick’s dinner sandwich and even less frequently allow his new dad to take a bite or two.  Sleep gave us long hours of much needed peace.  Co-sleeping agreed with him and he slept through the first night with us.  For the next days, while we were in Seoul, Ty did great… as long as we were out of the hotel room.  Besides the fact that there was not much to keep a busy 2 year old, well, busy, I think the room reminded him of that awful moment when he realized his life had changed forever.

The plane ride home went amazingly well for all three kids.  Ty’s entrance into our house was nothing less than a whirlwind as he emptied cabinets, drawers, and toy bins.  The best part was that it was not our hotel.  Besides bedtime, he seemed to have left his grieving in Korea.  Each day has presented new challenges as well as great accomplishments.  Ty continues to adjust better than we could have ever imagined.  We are so thankful that the worst of the grieving is over–our hearts couldn’t take much more.  Last night Ty saw pictures of his foster family for the first time since he came with us and showed little recognition (which is sad to me) but they did not upset him as we feared.

God’s faithfulness through this process has been undeniable.  It’s been a privilege to live and breath another spiritual metaphor in real life—-adoption.

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did NOT feed my kids M&M pancakes for dinner and did NOT justify it by adding wheatgerm and substituting milk for water in the instant mix.

I did NOT use my cell phone in the doctor’s office under a sign that explicity prohibited cell phone use.  My brother did NOT ask the question, “Reagan National’s the same as Dulles, right?”  Boy, am I NOT glad I answered that call.

I did NOT deny my children any normal kids programming in the car so I could finish listening to Karen Kingsbury’s latest book which I ripped to my MP3 player before Korea but still didn’t get to finish even after almost 30 hours of airplane time.

It did NOT take me 2 weeks of looking at the potstickers in my freezer to realize that they have an Asian flair and they would probably be a winner with Ty. 

I do NOT frequently move Ty’s booster seat to the bathroom so I can shower while he eats breakfast.

My kids did NOT have a funny face contest with an old man in  the subway in Seoul.  He did NOT multiple times try to give my kids money only to have his wife slap his hand away and scold him.

Ty did NOT say “Nana” in context before he ever muttered “Mommy.”  He did NOT proceed to favor her over me for the rest of the weekend.  The older kids did NOT do the same thing…so why I am I surprised?

I did NOT shamelessly promote the blog on facebook.

I did NOT release approximately 900 ladybugs less than 9 inches from our house because I panicked that I hadn’t released them yet.  About 50 did NOT proceed to swarm into the kids no-spill bubble bucket and die.

I do NOT often put food in the microwave for myself and forget it’s there until the next time I’m hungry and go to put more food in the microwave.

I did NOT disguise our “on the edge” milk in pancakes, cereal and oatmeal so the kids would still get calcium and it wouldn’t go to waste.

On to find out what others did NOT do this week so I can feel better

1.  Where else can you have a city of almost 15 million people and a spotless subway?  I mean there wasn’t even trash in the tracks.  The kicker?  There aren’t public trash cans either.  People just have enough respect for their surroundings that they *gasp* take their trash with them.

2.  The bow.  I never realized how much a simple gesture can be so loud.  It screams RESPECT, HUMILITY, and POLITENESS.  In Korea, there’s always time for a bow…upon greeting someone, upon departing somewhere, upon thanking someone, even upon leaving the elevator.

3.  Shoes off policy.  Okay, so this one is exclusively a Melissa reason.  I am dissappointed that no one wears flip flops b/c it’s more polite to have socks to keep your feet clean.  Even the security guys that came to drill out our safe took their shoes off upon entering our hotel room.

4.  Tax included.  No explanation needed.

5.  No tipping.  Great service is a given.  Imagine that…motivated by something other than money.

6.  Gift giving.  Who needs tips when everyone gives gifts?  The great thing is that it’s not so much the gift that’s given but the process of offering a gift.  Mia was even bestowed a gift by the tea shop owners that served us FREE tea.

7.  Pride in one’s job…no matter what.  Even the gentleman directing traffic outside of the department store did so donning a suit and white gloves.

8.  Safety.  What a great feeling to be able to explore the city and not be worried about ending up in a bad neighborhood…none existed. 

9.  Common culture.  Yup, everyone’s on the same page.  Maybe that’s why all the neighborhoods are safe.

10.  Food.  Patrick’s digestive system is still protesting our return to the States.

11.  Efficiency.  Leave it to an Asian country to be efficient.  I’m not even sure where to start with this one.

12.  Everything’s smaller.  The three sizes at Starbucks…short, tall, and grande.  Venti is available by request (not listed on the menu though).  Maybe that’s why their all so thin…nope didn’t see one fat Korean.

13.  Sleeping in.  Starbucks doesn’t open until 7AM on weekdays and 8AM on weekends.  This may be an exclusively Patrick reason…I was a morning person BK*. (*Before Kids).

14.  Elegance.  The culture seems to be defined by it.

If you’ve been to Korea, we’d love to know what you love.  Feel free to leave a comment.

I think I left off on Friday of our trip…or did I leave out Thursday morning?

Thursday AM

In last minute, Corkum fashion, we had left gift buying for the foster family until Thursday morning.  We headed back to Namdaemun and Shinsegae in an effort to secure gifts for the foster mother (FM), brother, sister, and 2 van drivers. (We ended up using the first van driver gift we had bought in DC for the foster father and really only having one van driver…better safe than sorry). 

Why all the gifts you may ask?  Gift giving is a tradition of the Korean culture.  More on cool Korean culture things later.

We ended up with food for the brother and bath stuff for the girls.  The father received a long-sleeved tee with Washington DC printed on it (at the suggestion from our new Korean, coffee-shop-owning, friend, H.  They seemed like such pathetic tokens in light of all the Hanboks the FM had gifted us AND all the phenomenal care she gave our son.

 Ty slept great through the first night.  We’re figuring out now that it was because we were sleeping with him.

Friday

Friday morning I realized that all the clothes that we had brought with us for Ty (with the exception of pajamas) were too big.  The shirts would work but the pants were about 3 inches too big around.  Fortunately his FM had sent a couple changes of clothes for him.  We spent the morning shopping more in and around Namdaemun (we were there 4 different times and still didn’t see all of it).  Then we headed to Deoksugung Palace.  This is where I decided for sure that we would need one of those leashes cute monkey backpacks with a harness and tether for Ty.  He would be merrily walking along when he would suddenly, without warning, take off surprisingly fast for a clumsy kid with feet too big for his body.  Not only does he not respond to his name or any loud verbal call, he often faceplants from tripping over his too-big feet.  Oh, and he doesn’t like to hold hands.  So, even though he would be perfectly happy riding on my back in the Patapum everywhere he went (that’s his Korean coming out), I have decided it’s acutally more humane to institute a leash so he can run around and get some exercise. 

 at Deoksugung Palace

Patrick was again repeatedly approached by school children who were enthralled at meeting a real-life American.  Some wanted to try their English out on him.  One group of giddy girls wanted their picture taken with him.  I wish I had my camera out too, but I was too busy chasing Ty.  While we were at the Palace, it started to rain…again.  You would think by now, we would do as the Koreans do and always carry an umbrella, but we didn’t (I may have packed the kids come to think of it). 

Anyway, we were pretty wet by the time we met up with the mothers.  Oh yea, did I mention that they had Grandma/Nana shopping time while we shopped and did the palace?  It’s actually more notable that we were able to reunite without the use of cell phones (ok, we did cheat and bring walkie talkies) or that my mother didn’t get hopelessly lost.  We reunited at Namdaemun (you really can’t enough of this place) to shop for hanboks for me, Tim, and Lindy (and Patrick). 

 Hanbok=traditional Korean outfit

By the time we got back to the hotel after another trip through Shinsegae, we were pretty wet and tired.  With the help of the front desk, we were able to order Papa John’s pizza.  Their two larges were more like our mediums but everything in Korea was smaller.

Saturday

Everyone had his “must do before we leave” left for Saturday so we jammed a lot in.  The morning started with a little panic when we realized that one of the room safes had failed…like we couldn’t get it open.  More on this later.  The grandmothers went off again to shop (and apparently detoured through a buddist temple) at Insadong Street.  The kids wanted to head to the children’s museum portion of the Folk Museum we had been to on our Seoul City Tour. 

  at the children’s museum

Before heading back to Insadong ourselves, we stopped by our room to drop off some packages and discovered security had brought in another professional to try to fix our safe.  Turns out the grandmothers stopped by later than we did to also drop off packages and, by then, there were multiple guys with drills…so glad the safe decided to malfunction Saturday and not Sunday when we checked out at 7AM.

Back at Insadong, Patrick, the kids, and I had lunch at a great local place for under $12.  What I woudn’t give for a great Korean place around here (Purim Oak R.I.P.).  Then we happened upon a martial arts competition of some  sort (not Tae Kwon Do).  PJ cozied right up to an older old, wrinkled, Korean man who made room for PJ’s stool next to him and seemed to be explaining the competition to him albeit in Korean.

  Unfortunately I didn’t capture PJ’s new friend but you can use your imagination

Then we all met up to head to the Millenium Tower at Patrick’s request.  Turns out it was anti-climatic since you couldn’t go up to the top floor unless you wanted to eat at the pricey grille.  The bottom was a Bandi and Lundi’s bookstore (suspiciously decorated and labelled like Barnes and Nobles).  By then, it was raining again.  We split up so that the girls (minus Mrs. C) could catch traditional Korean tea and the boys (plus Mrs. C) could catch a glimpse of a Catholic church.  The boys never made it to church b/c it was so rainy and we were underprepared with umbreallas…again.  Nana, Mia, and I had a delightful (yet mostly silent) tea with some local tea shop owners right around the corner from our hotel.  Apparently you can walk into any tea room and get served complimentary tea and that’s just what we did.  I’ve never seen tea-making as an art form until then.  From the dainty teapots and cups, to the ceremonial pouring, to the tongs, and the bottomless pots of boiling water…it was amazing!

 The little clear cup on the right are the cups we were served.

Sunday

Our van driver picked us up at 7AM Sunday morning.  I give him mad props for fitting all 7 of us plus our luggage in his van.  I think we’re the largest party Holt has ever seen to pick up a child.  We ate BK for breakfast at the airport.  When we boarded our flight for Tokyo, we were pleasantly surprised to have been upgraded to Economy Plus.  We were not so lucky blessed from Tokyo to Dulles.  Five extra inches has never felt so big!  Everyone (even Ty) did extremely well on the flight home.  I acquired the Japanese version of Dramamine at Narita Airport…something I should have gotten at the beginning of the week…that stuff is amazing!  Ty was a little fussy after a couple hours but once we got him to sleep, I think he slept 6 or 7 hours until we landed.  Thanks to 100+ mph tailwinds, we pulled into Dulles an hour and a half early.  Clearing customs and immigration was surprisingly smooth.  The grandfathers (Grandpa and Pops) greeted us at the house when we arrived and everyone had a lot of catching up to do.

 At Narita on our layover.  Notice the Big Brother, Little Brother, Big Sister tee-shirts.

Answers to popular questions.

How is Ty doing? adjusting?

Ty’s arrival into our house can be described as curious, all-boy, and destructive.  He emptied toy bins, pulled things off of shelves, and just generally explored.  Fortunately, he is very trainable and has settled in much quicker than I expected.  I didn’t even have to buy extra childlocks.  He is starting to respond to English and his name.  His first words were “uh oh” (on Monday) and his first signs were “more” (Thursday) and “please” (Friday).  Also, in Korea he pickedup on high-fives and the fist version (pound-it).  He is all boy and doesn’t seem to be bothered by falls, bumps, cuts or bruises.  He laughs easily and sometimes  finds himself in his own world, hands over his mouth, head back, laughing hysterically at something only he understands.  He also came with the ability to throw a “Korean bullfit” as my grandmother coined them.  He loves to be outside.

 Korean bull-fit

Does he understand English? Does he speak Korean?

He’s getting there.  He only had a few Korean words anyway and the only one we hear consistently is “uma” (mom).  I am not bilinguil as some have asked so he is hearing primarily English at home and will probably understand most of what we say in a couple weeks.  We are signing with him (as we did the other kids) in an effort to expedite his ability to communicate his wants and needs to us.

Are you sleeping?

It was a rough couple of first nights back on US soil but we’re getting there.  Ty was co-sleeping with his FM and co-slept with us in Korea.  He’s in a crib now and sleeps best when I’m laying on the floor next to it holding his hand.  So if anyone has any experience in artificial limbs and wants to donate a replica of my arm to our cause, my sore body would appreciate it.  Everyone else seems to be sleeping fine now.

How are PJ and Mia?

They were champs on the trip.  I love that we have flexible kids that sleep almost anywhere and are used to us dragging them all over creation.  They both claim their favorite part of the trip was bringing home Ty.  They are huge helps…especially when it comes to bossing.  PJ hasn’t really missed a beat but he’s been there, done the big brother thing before.  Mia is finding all of a sudden that she can’t get dressed or go potty by herself.  Oh wait, she did that before Ty.  So all in all, they are doing great.  Our normal crazy routine resumed on Tuesday and we haven’t looked back.

How old is he?

He was born in Dec. 2006 which makes him almost 2 1/2 but you would never know it by looking at his skinny 23 pound self. 

Other notable things

1.  He got his first entire-head haircut on Monday.  Before he had only had his bangs trimmed.  Before you’re too critical, please note that I was the one that cut his hair and I’ve never given the kind of cut he got.  Actually I lied…it wasn’t an entire-head cut…I only cut the back.

   Before

 During

 After

2.  He had his first US doctor’s appointment on Thursday.  We waited 2 1/2 hours for him to provide a urine sample (and that was after water and a half bottle of orange juice!).  Poor Mia missed preschool but she was a great sport through the whole ordeal.  Turns out he needs an inhumane amount of testing and blood work to satifsy the government agency that will finalize his adoption and grant him citizenship.  Also turns out he had an ear infection of which he was asymtomatic. 

***For all you picture-hungry readers, there are a lot more pictures in the 2009Spring AND the 2009Korea galleries.  I have not tagged or captioned them yet.  You know the drill…make sure you refresh to get the latest additions.***

Yup, that’s Mia with Ronald McDonald half way across the world.  By this time we had split up from the two Norwegian couples and it was just us and I.Y.  We were her first tour and I don’t think she knew what to feed westerners.  She seemed so excited that McD’s was just around the corner.

Afterlunch we headed to Namdaemun, one of Seoul’s largest and most famous markets.  It covers at least 20 square blocks.  You can find anything from traditional Korea clothing (hanboks) to kitchenware to liquor.  We went back twice after this and still didn’t see it all.

Wednesday afternoon we returned to Holt to see Ty again and witness his last physical before leaving Holt’s care.  We had the chance to meet his foster sister, Y.G.  Ty’s foster mother also brought hanboks for Ty, PJ, and Mia.  Mia is estactic and had to try hers on immediately upon returning to the hotel.  Ty’s and PJ’s match.  We promised the foster mother pictures as soon as they grow into them.  I hope it’s soon!

I have a little more time now.  Here’s a run down of how yesterday went.

The weather of beautiful.  We got out to explore Namdaemun, one of Korea’s largest markets.  We also shopped at Shinsegae…think Nordstrom with a Wegman’s in the basement.  It was the perfect place to pick up last minute gifts for the foster family.

After lunch and shopping, Nana and Grandma took the kids shopping for Ty and Patrick and I went to meet the foster family for pick up by ourselves.  I think it was one of the wisest choices we’ve made in our parenting career.  As I mentioned before, the actual pickup and the emotions surrounding it will have to be a later post.

Ty did great on our trip back to the hotel.  I guess it was like an adventure.  The adventure was over when he realized he was at our hotel to stay without Oma (foster mother).  It was an up and down night but at least he’s consolable now and slept through the night.  Praise the Lord.

I know you all are praying for us, but more I would ask that you pray for his foster family.  Basically they let one of their kids walk away with a stranger yesterday…FOREVER.  They’ve had him for about a year and a half and they’re the only family Ty remembers.

I’ve uploaded pictures of our Seoul City tour.  I’ll describe them in another post, but for now you can view them with some descriptions on Flickr.  I don’t think the descriptions show up if you use the Photo Gallery page.  If you’re using the Photo Gallery page, be sure to refresh it in the upper right.  I think I’m up to 123 pictures now.

original post follows…

We picked up Ty yesterday.  I am so thankful for his foster parents.  I hope we can keep in touch.  There were a lot of emotions that perhaps I’ll write about later.  Ty is grieving his foster family but adjusting nonetheless.  We’re hoping to take advantage of our last rain-free day today.

Monday it rained ALL day.

I think I mentioned that before.  We were able to explore Insadong Street (long stretch of shops selling everything from tea sets to modern art to jewelry to stationary…pretty much anything but clothes).  It was hard to appreciate the experience through the dripping overhangs, wet plastic coverings, and dreary conditions but it was an experience nontheless.

We ate lunch at a restaurant we picked pretty much on its outer character.  We were looking for authentic Korean and that’s what we got.  It would have been nice to know that we did not need to order a full course meal 4 times over and that the button on the end of the table signaled the waiter and that you always take the check up front in Korea.  Then we could have avoided the awkwardness of waiting for the waiter to come take our order, trying to get the check when the meal had just begun, and finally using the bell for something the waiter does not do anyway.

After lunch, we hurried back to the hotel to gather what we needed to take to the Holt office for our first meeting (cameras–video and still, tripod, and gifts for other foster mothers).  We got a little lost finding the subway and then a little lost finding Holt Post Adoption Services where I needed to pick up information on our trip to Masan.  The receptionist at the Holt Guesthouse (which houses PAS), who I mentioned in an earlier post, delayed us even further.  We were 30 minutes late to our first meeting.  Apparently late is better than early according to the Korea etiquette books, but I think the foster mother (FM) and Ty had been waiting for a while.

The meeting was a little hectic with 6 of us plus FM, social worker (SW), and Ty.  I tried to video tape FM’s answers to my questions but I think PJ’s and Mia’s voices may have drowned her out.  Oh, did I mention that the tripod was broken when we arrived at Holt (no idea when this happened) so I had to rig the camera to it with my watch?  There will be a great part in the video when Ty and Mia fall backwards into the tripod and send the video camera flying.  Thankfully it didn’t hit the ground due to my MacGuyverish camera-securing skills.

Monday night we headed to Itaewon (popular shopping district that caters to westerners).  There is no documentation of this because we were too cold and wet to care.  We tried to eat dinner but ended up in a pricey, empty (that should have been our first clue) Mexican place where we just shared nachos for $12.

Tuesday we headed to Masan.

Masan is the city where I was born.  It is just south of Busan (Korea’s 2nd largest city and it’s largest port) on the eastern coast.  Holt graciously coordinated a volunteer (let’s call him H) to take us the 4 hour bus ride to visit the children’s home where I was abandoned shortly after birth.

Upon arriving in Masan, Nana had her first ATM experience (nope, not first internationally) and we hired 2 taxis to take us to Ae Ri Won children’s home.  Despite multiple near-death experiences with our taxi driver and getting lost on the hilly (think San Francisco) streets of Seoul, we did make it to Ae Ri Won.  Apparently the institution moved in 1988, so it wasn’t even really the place of my abandonment and they have no record of me ever being there, but it was nice (if not awkward) to meet the staff and tour the facility.

Lunch was more authentic cuisine.  We even sat on the floor this time.  H graciously answered all of our questions as we grilled him about Korean culture, food, etiquette and even his personal life.

After lunch, we wandered down to the water and then into a large (we’re talking 3 or 4 square blocks) fish market.  The highlight of the day was when Mia started to feel comfortable enough to greet anyone she rode by with a cheery “anyounghaseo” (“hello”).  She turned quite a few heads and most were thrilled to return the greeting.

We spent the rest of the day traveling back to Seoul and then back to our hotel.

Wednesday will have to wait for another day.

It is entirely past my bedtime.  The 2009Korea album has been updated with all the pictures to match this post.  ENJOY!!

**If you can’t see all 79 photos, click the ‘refresh photos’ button in the upper left of your screen.**