There are, of course, the cliche answers such as take time for myself, live in the moment, get my priorities straight, exercise more, tell corny jokes…you get the idea.  But since I hate cliche answers, I kept thinking. 

Then there was the Vitamin Water moment yesterday.  I love Vitamin Water, but it’s much more expensive than normal water, and I usually can’t justify having it (unless it’s onsale at Costco and the Costco fairy delivers a case).  So was the case (pun intended) twice over the past couple months so I’ve been living the high life.  It occurred to me as I was driving down the road yesterday, savoring my Vitamin Water, that I may have to just start splurging for little things like Vitamin Water for the huge pay off of happiness.

So my answer could be, “Buy myself Vitamin Water.”  Nope, too shallow.  I kept thinking.

I realized that happy seems to be a shallow, fleeting emotion by my definition anyway.  I am happy or unhappy on and off hundreds of times a day.  I would like to think perhaps the question was getting more at a general state so I began to think, ”How do you plan to create joy and contentedness for yourself in 2012?”

Mmmm…much deeper.  Service.  I want to take the focus off of me, myself, and I (and my family) and be intentional about regularly going outside of our comfort zones to serve others.  This will also require us to simplify.  In order to have time to give away, we need to pare down on how much maintenance our lives need.  This may mean giving away material things, clearing our schedule, and lowering perfectionistic expectations.  So that’s the plan for 2012.

How do you plan to create happiness (or joy or contentedness) for yourself in 2012?

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I stress when he wants to go camping since he has all this time.  I argue we have lots of time but no money. 

I stress that he enjoys catching up on video gaming when I think he should be doing something more productive (like looking for a job;)).

I stress about figuring out what to do with the kids all summer while not spending any money.

I stress about how to avoid invitations to go do things that we love with friends that are just too expensive.

I stress that there’s a family of kids out there that has to wait longer to know the love of a family because we can’t finish our home study paperwork until our financial situation changes.

You get the idea.

But amidst it all, the time that Patrick spends in the in between is such a sweet time for our family.  This summer:

We discovered Geocaching which is the best because no matter how big your family is the cost never goes up.

We spent endless days looking for the crabbing sweet spot near us only to find out it’s really about 2 hours away.

We let the older kids explore their entrepreneurial side and Mr. Business was around to advise and participate.  More on this in upcoming posts.

Patrick was able to say “yes” to lots of opportunities he wouldn’t have had time for if he had been working full time.  He’s exploring his entrepreneurial side, too.

The garden got more of the love and attention it deserves because Daddy was around

Surprisingly, his stress level is way down when he’s in the in between which totally changes the atmosphere in our household.  He starts a new contract on Monday.  While it will be nice to pay our mortgage, return to supporting causes we are passionate about, and press forward with the adoption, I’m already mourning the lost time together that this fall will bring with a full-time contract and graduate school.

So here’s to switching gears until the next in between.

Recently, Patrick and I have been of the simplify mind set.  It might have to do with that gloriously ruined thing.  It’s just that there’s less and less value in the tangible things around us.  This mind set has freed us up to let go of a lot of stuff (and it’s just that…stuff) in our house which has an inherent, intriguing freedom.  The empty, decluttered spaces in our house have a way of freeing your spirit and your mind.

You should try it.  Don’t let your stuff drag you down.

It’s freed the kids up too!

Anyway earlier this month I had the privilege of being apart of conversation about racism and adoption hosted by our adoption agency because I’m Korean (in case you forgot because sometime I do). 

I went because I thought I might have some insight to offer and I was curious to pick up some pointers for raising Ty.  I dragged my best friend along (who is also Korean and adopted).  The biggest revelation of the night (for both of us)?  Our biological kids are considered a minority.  Duh.  Because I’m Korean.  I told you I forget sometimes.

Here are some other things that came up that I thought were important:

1. As much as we might want to deny it, we have a race-conscious society (not read “racist” so not necessarily a bad thing).
2. Families who are cross-cultural and cross-race have a responsibility to be proactive about educating themselves and those around them.
3. One of the best things families can do is expose themselves to and befriend folks from multiple ethnicities, races, and cultures.
4. Families cannot protect their children from racism but they can prepare them for when it happens.  Proactivity versus denial.
5. Children the power to take the sting out of racial comments if they are prepared with tools to handle the situation well.  It doesn’t make the comments acceptable behavior but it keeps children from feeling victimized.
6. Proactivity means it’s the parents responsibility to talk about race often, open, and honestly.  Although it would be nice if children didn’t hide things from parents, they often hide experiences that revolve around their race.

It turns out my best friend and I hold some pretty controversial views on race and racial identity.  Like we admit we think we’re white and are not insecure because we’re the minority and we laugh/shrug off offensive comments.  Maybe it has to do with our personalities, maybe it’s because we’ve always had each other, maybe we’re totally naive…

I’d love to hear your thoughts…

*If you have no idea who I’m talking about,  click here.

I was reminded again today.  “Murphy was a genius.”

As a general rule, we’re very up front and honest with our kids. 

If I throw away something by accident (or on purpose) and they ask about it, I tell them what happened and apologize if necessary.

If I decide not to do something they want to do just because I don’t want to (or I’m too lazy), I don’t make up some feel good reason.  I have no problem being the bad guy.

If someone dies, we don’t dance around the issue.  Some of our best conversations come out of these situations. 

Oops…I almost got on a soapbox.  Returning to reality (and the point of this post).

If the kids get invited to a birthday party and I have to RSVP in the negative, I tell them anyway (even though they’ll be dissappointed).  I figure it’s better for them to hear it from me than from the grapevine.  (And yes, there is a grapevine in kindergarten.)  But, truth be told, I’ve probably dissappointed them tens of times unecessarily and they probably would’ve been non-the-wiser because the grapevine is pretty spotty at age 5…except today.

Mia got an invite to a party for a classmate for this coming weekend.  It would’ve been birthday party #2 for the weekend.  Patrick doesn’t do birthday parties so it would’ve meant me and the three kids for the second seventh day in a row following a week when we’ve all been under the weather.  I’ll be honest.  I just didn’t feel up to it.  I even looked at the guest list to see how many people I’d know there.  It wasn’t enough.  I RSVP’d “NO” and never mentioned a word to Mia.  I just didn’t have the energy after being sick all week to deal with it.

Fast foward 2 hours to the grocery store.  We run into one of her classmates.  (Just for the record, that never* happens). 

*except today…thanks, Murphy

My friend asks, “Will we see you at the birthday party Sunday?” 

Mia’s ears perk up.  She asks, “What birthday party, Mom?”

She gets her whine on as she hears me say, “Nope, but we’ll see you at the back-to-school picnic next Tuesday.”

I fumble as I try to justify why she’s not going.  I end up pulling the Mean Mommy, “Because Mommy doesn’t want to, that’s why.”

And I’ll say it again, “Murphy was a genius.”

Helping others. Good.

Jumping off a bridge.  Bad.

Finding others who have reconciled a broken marriage.  Good.

Realizing all your friends are giving up and walking away from their less-than-satisfactory marriages.  Bad.

You get the picture.

There is great relief when bearing your struggles results in finding someone else who can relate.  It makes you feel more “normal.”  The problem is that we (especially we who call ourselved Christians) are not so great at being transparent.  We put our best foot forward because it’s too embarrassing to show the other foot or because we think we’ll be judged (or because we have been judged) or because we’re sure no one will understand.

Whether it be marriage, parenting, or adopting, we often paint rosy pictures of how awesome they are.  And they are…don’t get me wrong.  But the truth is that for as awesome as they are, they can be equally challenging.  We are human afterall.  Research shows that having realistic expectations upfront increases your satisfaction about the situation later. 

Imagine thinking adopting was all joy and celebration because you were rescuing an orphan and giving him a home and then realizing (the hard way) it also involves grief and sadness and frustrations.  If no one had told you to expect that, you might think you were a bad mommy or dysfunctional and definitely all alone.  That might lead you to think that you made a bad decision and you weren’t the right home for a child afterall.  But if you knew that with all the joys and milestones came sorrows and pains and were connected with a community of families who were walking that road and rejoicing with the victories and pressing through the challenges, you would feel “normal” and encouraged.  You would keep on because others had before you and they were helping you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The same is true for parenting and marriages.  That’s why it’s important to be transparent with our struggles while keeping them in perspective.  Find friends who share similar values to you (and some who don’t) who you can walk through life with you and help you feel “normal.”  There is power in community.

What are the communities that have held you up over the years?

Am I the only one that is constantly fascinated that we live in a world where there are such swings in temperature and climate in one place?  On the other hand, God put us on a planet that is exactly the right distance from the sun so that the temperature only swings in a viable range (which is a tiny range in the grand cosmos). 

I could marvel at that all day.  But then who would feed the kids? Ok, back to reality.  Off to get some beach time in before the white stuff comes back

Click HERE. 

Read (all of it).

Let me know what you think.

After much discussion on various boards about this post, I chose to change the title (as it was very distracting) and add these words….

For those that claim some parents do not want to parent, I see that as a failure somewhere a long the line. It’s not acceptable to me that people think it’s ok to bear children and choose not to parent. Even though they may beyond help by that point, it’s a cycle and paradigm that needs to be changed.

I’m realzing how distracting titles are. I did not intend to make it sound like I though adoption was a negative thing or that adoption only represents a failure. I think it also represents redemption, loss, joy, grief, love, and a myriad of other things. As for adoption being a failure… the point I was trying to make is that if an adoption occurs, something… usually multiple things… went wrong. Adoption is not a bad thing… it is a great thing; It is an excellent picture of the gospel. However, the gospel is all about a failure (the fall) being turned right by God. Adoption was not God’s intent for children. Infertility was not God’s intent for couples. However, because sin entered the world, the world is not perfect. And just as God adopting us represents a “righting” of a failure (not God’s failure, but ours), so does a parent adopting a child represent a failure somewhere.

I just want people to realize how reactive it is. I happen to be a very happy, satisfied, adult, interracial adoptee. For almost my entire life, I saw no problem with my story and didn’t understand why there were others in my situation who resented their adoptive parents and the institution of adoption.
Since entering the world of adoption/foster/orphan care ministry and becoming the adoptive parent of a toddler, I see how painful adoption can (although not always) be and see that not everyone had the happy-go-lucky experience I had. I believe some (not all) of those grief and resentment-laced stories could have been prevented better support had been available on multiple levels during multiple stages.
That being said, you guys are right. Sometimes adoption is inevitable and can be a beautiful thing. Insert gospel story. I just wish the whole society was better and providing parenting support all across the board.

*******ORIGINAL POST FOLLOWS*******

When we completed our adoption training for Ty, the social worker told us that adoption, even in all its joyousness, represents a loss for all sides.  Birthparents lose a child, a child loses a family, and the adopting family sets aside (at least for a season) being able to expand their family through biological means.

I came to the recent realization that adoption also represents failure.  It’s a failure of a parent to parent successfully.  It’s the failure of the community and church to successfully support said parent.  In the foster care system, it’s the failure of the state and parent to work toward reunification.  And the list goes on.

Before you get all ruffled and red-faced thinking I’m anti-adoption, let me state that there are certainly some instances that warrant adoption (i.e., death) and there are certainly millions of waiting children that need families because failure has already occurred.  Let’s also remember that I am an adoptee and adoptive parent.

But I don’t think that adoption is preferred.  It’s too reactive.  As an engineer who worked in preventative maintenance, I’d much rather look to the proactive.  How can we prevent the need for adoptions–eliminating all that loss and grief? 

One way is to continue to remind people that sex creates babies.  I know, shocking.  God knew what He was doing when He commanded us to only have sex with the person to whom we are married.

P.S.  I know that unplanned pregnancies still happen to married couples but stay with me.

Another way is to better educate parents to be parents.  Successful parenting doesn’t come by nature but by nurture.  It’s taught.  We’re also up against that whole sinful nature thing.  Parenting styles are cyclic across generations, and there are a lot of bad cycles of parents out there.  But cycles are reversible…especially when grace is involved. 

I really believe it takes a village to raise a child and we need to do a better job at creating villages around parents.  When parents start failing, it’s even more important that the village steps in before the state needs to. 

Doesn’t it seem silly that there are not many places for parents to go and be proactive and say, “I need help.  Can you help me raise my children while I get it?”  Instead, they have to be caught in abuse or neglect before the state will provide care for their children and offer to get them help.

That’s why we’re excited about a program that started in Chicago that let’s parents seek help voluntarily before they’re beyond it.  It’s called Safe Families.  It’s spreading across the country like wildfire.  Again, shocking.  It’s like tagless clothes, what took us so long to come up with that idea?

We believe Safe Families could drastically reduce the need for state foster care–or even eliminate it.   But it can only continue to be successful if people (namely those from the Church) step up and create the necessary villages.  You should head over to Safe Families’ website now and find out how to get involved or to see if it’s already happening in your area.  Then tell as many people as will listen…and even those who won’t.  Maybe they’ll get it by osmosis.

We could all be on the war path against Mrs. Hansen and others who have done the unimaginable or we could step back and make sure there’s no plank in our eye.

Let me be clear.  I am IN NO WAY condoning her actions.  I clearly understand why Russian officials are so upset, but…

Where was her support network?

Where was her agency?

Parenting is hard, difficult, stressful, tiring, exhausting, challenging, and draining when you start with a biological infant.  Add attachment issues, undesirable brain chemistry, abandonment, behavior disorders, and language barriers and starting at age 7, and parenting becomes almost an impossibility.  Actually it is an impossibility without training, support, more training, more support, and God’s grace.

As a parent who has 2 biological children and 1 child adopted as a toddler, I have been in places where I can empathize with what Mrs. Hansen may have been feeling when she made the terrible decision to put her son on a plane.  I also think the situation was preventable.

Nothing in parenting can prepare you for the challenge of bonding and disciplining a child at the same time–especially a child who doesn’t speak your language.

In our case, there’s nothing to differentiate between normal toddler issues, being-born-at-25-weeks-at-just-a-pound issues and adoption-related issues.  As a Type A, control freak, that’s really hard for me.

The story of Justin Hansen is a point-in-case for why training and support for adoptive parents is non-negotiable.  Training can’t be relegated to pre-adoption requirements and support can’t end after 6 months.  Agencies can’t always be there but the community (and the Church) can.

If you’re not an adoptive parent, here are some ways that you can support your community members that are:

1.  Make meals.  Clean.  Any time they don’t have to be doing housework is undivided time they can be spending with my child.

2.  Educate yourselves about adoption stuff (i.e., attachment, bonding, the process).  Don’t rely on mainstream media.  We all know how well they tell the truth.

3.  Babysit or entertain other children in the family.

4.  Be a listening, non-judgemental ear.

5. Pray. Pray. Pray some more.

If you’re an adoptive parent or are thinking about adoption:

1.  Don’t let this story scare you away.  Go out and find 10 positive stories for every negative one you hear.

2.  Connect with other adoptive parents.  They don’t have your exact story but adoptive (and foster) moms get “it” like other can’t.

3.  Be friends with your social worker.  They’re not out to find faults in you so they can disrupt your family, they’re there to make you successful.

4.  Be honest about your struggles.  You’ll be surprised to find you’re not alone.