*If you have no idea who I’m talking about,  click here.

I was reminded again today.  “Murphy was a genius.”

As a general rule, we’re very up front and honest with our kids. 

If I throw away something by accident (or on purpose) and they ask about it, I tell them what happened and apologize if necessary.

If I decide not to do something they want to do just because I don’t want to (or I’m too lazy), I don’t make up some feel good reason.  I have no problem being the bad guy.

If someone dies, we don’t dance around the issue.  Some of our best conversations come out of these situations. 

Oops…I almost got on a soapbox.  Returning to reality (and the point of this post).

If the kids get invited to a birthday party and I have to RSVP in the negative, I tell them anyway (even though they’ll be dissappointed).  I figure it’s better for them to hear it from me than from the grapevine.  (And yes, there is a grapevine in kindergarten.)  But, truth be told, I’ve probably dissappointed them tens of times unecessarily and they probably would’ve been non-the-wiser because the grapevine is pretty spotty at age 5…except today.

Mia got an invite to a party for a classmate for this coming weekend.  It would’ve been birthday party #2 for the weekend.  Patrick doesn’t do birthday parties so it would’ve meant me and the three kids for the second seventh day in a row following a week when we’ve all been under the weather.  I’ll be honest.  I just didn’t feel up to it.  I even looked at the guest list to see how many people I’d know there.  It wasn’t enough.  I RSVP’d “NO” and never mentioned a word to Mia.  I just didn’t have the energy after being sick all week to deal with it.

Fast foward 2 hours to the grocery store.  We run into one of her classmates.  (Just for the record, that never* happens). 

*except today…thanks, Murphy

My friend asks, “Will we see you at the birthday party Sunday?” 

Mia’s ears perk up.  She asks, “What birthday party, Mom?”

She gets her whine on as she hears me say, “Nope, but we’ll see you at the back-to-school picnic next Tuesday.”

I fumble as I try to justify why she’s not going.  I end up pulling the Mean Mommy, “Because Mommy doesn’t want to, that’s why.”

And I’ll say it again, “Murphy was a genius.”

Helping others. Good.

Jumping off a bridge.  Bad.

Finding others who have reconciled a broken marriage.  Good.

Realizing all your friends are giving up and walking away from their less-than-satisfactory marriages.  Bad.

You get the picture.

There is great relief when bearing your struggles results in finding someone else who can relate.  It makes you feel more “normal.”  The problem is that we (especially we who call ourselved Christians) are not so great at being transparent.  We put our best foot forward because it’s too embarrassing to show the other foot or because we think we’ll be judged (or because we have been judged) or because we’re sure no one will understand.

Whether it be marriage, parenting, or adopting, we often paint rosy pictures of how awesome they are.  And they are…don’t get me wrong.  But the truth is that for as awesome as they are, they can be equally challenging.  We are human afterall.  Research shows that having realistic expectations upfront increases your satisfaction about the situation later. 

Imagine thinking adopting was all joy and celebration because you were rescuing an orphan and giving him a home and then realizing (the hard way) it also involves grief and sadness and frustrations.  If no one had told you to expect that, you might think you were a bad mommy or dysfunctional and definitely all alone.  That might lead you to think that you made a bad decision and you weren’t the right home for a child afterall.  But if you knew that with all the joys and milestones came sorrows and pains and were connected with a community of families who were walking that road and rejoicing with the victories and pressing through the challenges, you would feel “normal” and encouraged.  You would keep on because others had before you and they were helping you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The same is true for parenting and marriages.  That’s why it’s important to be transparent with our struggles while keeping them in perspective.  Find friends who share similar values to you (and some who don’t) who you can walk through life with you and help you feel “normal.”  There is power in community.

What are the communities that have held you up over the years?

Am I the only one that is constantly fascinated that we live in a world where there are such swings in temperature and climate in one place?  On the other hand, God put us on a planet that is exactly the right distance from the sun so that the temperature only swings in a viable range (which is a tiny range in the grand cosmos). 

I could marvel at that all day.  But then who would feed the kids? Ok, back to reality.  Off to get some beach time in before the white stuff comes back

Click HERE. 

Read (all of it).

Let me know what you think.

After much discussion on various boards about this post, I chose to change the title (as it was very distracting) and add these words….

For those that claim some parents do not want to parent, I see that as a failure somewhere a long the line. It’s not acceptable to me that people think it’s ok to bear children and choose not to parent. Even though they may beyond help by that point, it’s a cycle and paradigm that needs to be changed.

I’m realzing how distracting titles are. I did not intend to make it sound like I though adoption was a negative thing or that adoption only represents a failure. I think it also represents redemption, loss, joy, grief, love, and a myriad of other things. As for adoption being a failure… the point I was trying to make is that if an adoption occurs, something… usually multiple things… went wrong. Adoption is not a bad thing… it is a great thing; It is an excellent picture of the gospel. However, the gospel is all about a failure (the fall) being turned right by God. Adoption was not God’s intent for children. Infertility was not God’s intent for couples. However, because sin entered the world, the world is not perfect. And just as God adopting us represents a “righting” of a failure (not God’s failure, but ours), so does a parent adopting a child represent a failure somewhere.

I just want people to realize how reactive it is. I happen to be a very happy, satisfied, adult, interracial adoptee. For almost my entire life, I saw no problem with my story and didn’t understand why there were others in my situation who resented their adoptive parents and the institution of adoption.
Since entering the world of adoption/foster/orphan care ministry and becoming the adoptive parent of a toddler, I see how painful adoption can (although not always) be and see that not everyone had the happy-go-lucky experience I had. I believe some (not all) of those grief and resentment-laced stories could have been prevented better support had been available on multiple levels during multiple stages.
That being said, you guys are right. Sometimes adoption is inevitable and can be a beautiful thing. Insert gospel story. I just wish the whole society was better and providing parenting support all across the board.

*******ORIGINAL POST FOLLOWS*******

When we completed our adoption training for Ty, the social worker told us that adoption, even in all its joyousness, represents a loss for all sides.  Birthparents lose a child, a child loses a family, and the adopting family sets aside (at least for a season) being able to expand their family through biological means.

I came to the recent realization that adoption also represents failure.  It’s a failure of a parent to parent successfully.  It’s the failure of the community and church to successfully support said parent.  In the foster care system, it’s the failure of the state and parent to work toward reunification.  And the list goes on.

Before you get all ruffled and red-faced thinking I’m anti-adoption, let me state that there are certainly some instances that warrant adoption (i.e., death) and there are certainly millions of waiting children that need families because failure has already occurred.  Let’s also remember that I am an adoptee and adoptive parent.

But I don’t think that adoption is preferred.  It’s too reactive.  As an engineer who worked in preventative maintenance, I’d much rather look to the proactive.  How can we prevent the need for adoptions–eliminating all that loss and grief? 

One way is to continue to remind people that sex creates babies.  I know, shocking.  God knew what He was doing when He commanded us to only have sex with the person to whom we are married.

P.S.  I know that unplanned pregnancies still happen to married couples but stay with me.

Another way is to better educate parents to be parents.  Successful parenting doesn’t come by nature but by nurture.  It’s taught.  We’re also up against that whole sinful nature thing.  Parenting styles are cyclic across generations, and there are a lot of bad cycles of parents out there.  But cycles are reversible…especially when grace is involved. 

I really believe it takes a village to raise a child and we need to do a better job at creating villages around parents.  When parents start failing, it’s even more important that the village steps in before the state needs to. 

Doesn’t it seem silly that there are not many places for parents to go and be proactive and say, “I need help.  Can you help me raise my children while I get it?”  Instead, they have to be caught in abuse or neglect before the state will provide care for their children and offer to get them help.

That’s why we’re excited about a program that started in Chicago that let’s parents seek help voluntarily before they’re beyond it.  It’s called Safe Families.  It’s spreading across the country like wildfire.  Again, shocking.  It’s like tagless clothes, what took us so long to come up with that idea?

We believe Safe Families could drastically reduce the need for state foster care–or even eliminate it.   But it can only continue to be successful if people (namely those from the Church) step up and create the necessary villages.  You should head over to Safe Families’ website now and find out how to get involved or to see if it’s already happening in your area.  Then tell as many people as will listen…and even those who won’t.  Maybe they’ll get it by osmosis.

We could all be on the war path against Mrs. Hansen and others who have done the unimaginable or we could step back and make sure there’s no plank in our eye.

Let me be clear.  I am IN NO WAY condoning her actions.  I clearly understand why Russian officials are so upset, but…

Where was her support network?

Where was her agency?

Parenting is hard, difficult, stressful, tiring, exhausting, challenging, and draining when you start with a biological infant.  Add attachment issues, undesirable brain chemistry, abandonment, behavior disorders, and language barriers and starting at age 7, and parenting becomes almost an impossibility.  Actually it is an impossibility without training, support, more training, more support, and God’s grace.

As a parent who has 2 biological children and 1 child adopted as a toddler, I have been in places where I can empathize with what Mrs. Hansen may have been feeling when she made the terrible decision to put her son on a plane.  I also think the situation was preventable.

Nothing in parenting can prepare you for the challenge of bonding and disciplining a child at the same time–especially a child who doesn’t speak your language.

In our case, there’s nothing to differentiate between normal toddler issues, being-born-at-25-weeks-at-just-a-pound issues and adoption-related issues.  As a Type A, control freak, that’s really hard for me.

The story of Justin Hansen is a point-in-case for why training and support for adoptive parents is non-negotiable.  Training can’t be relegated to pre-adoption requirements and support can’t end after 6 months.  Agencies can’t always be there but the community (and the Church) can.

If you’re not an adoptive parent, here are some ways that you can support your community members that are:

1.  Make meals.  Clean.  Any time they don’t have to be doing housework is undivided time they can be spending with my child.

2.  Educate yourselves about adoption stuff (i.e., attachment, bonding, the process).  Don’t rely on mainstream media.  We all know how well they tell the truth.

3.  Babysit or entertain other children in the family.

4.  Be a listening, non-judgemental ear.

5. Pray. Pray. Pray some more.

If you’re an adoptive parent or are thinking about adoption:

1.  Don’t let this story scare you away.  Go out and find 10 positive stories for every negative one you hear.

2.  Connect with other adoptive parents.  They don’t have your exact story but adoptive (and foster) moms get “it” like other can’t.

3.  Be friends with your social worker.  They’re not out to find faults in you so they can disrupt your family, they’re there to make you successful.

4.  Be honest about your struggles.  You’ll be surprised to find you’re not alone.

If I believed in evolution, I could hope for better for my great, great, great, great, great…great granddaughters.  But, alas, I am a creationist.  Oops.  That’s a whole different can of worms for another day never.

Ironic note: As I’m saving this post, my daughter calls out from the bath tub where she’s melting away the plastic around one of those capsule foamy things (that’s the technical name), “Mom, it’s an octopus!”

Let’s imagine that abortions go away.  Either Roe vs. Wade is overturned or God moves mightily to answer the prayers of millions in the pro-life movement.

Since roughly 1.2 million abortions are performed every year, that would mean 1.2 million more babies. Statistically, speaking about 2% of mothers will make an adoption plan which leaves 1,176,000 to parent.  Most of these will bring a baby into a family structure that is at high risk for child abuse and/or neglect.  Let’s just say that 5% of those children require intervention from child protective services that ends in foster placement.   That’s almost 60,000 more children (a 10% increase) who would be introduced into our already stressed foster care system.  There are already 130,000 children waiting for permanent homes (that doesn’t include the other 400,000 children who are in limbo) while over 300,000 churches stand by and watch.

Can Jesus look at us and say, “‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.“?

Yes.  I know they are older children.

Yes.  I know (in many cases) they are abused children or chilren with behavioral issues or children with serious medical conditions.

Yes.  I know it’s risky to take on one of these children.

But if the church can’t offer them hope, love, and a family who can?

Most of us are willing to bash the job the state is doing but are you willing to do something about it? 

If you aren’t called to foster or adopt, I bet you could do something (cook, clean, babysit, etc.) to support a family that is.  If every 3 churches came around ONE family, we could eliminate the waiting children in the U.S. 

Then maybe we could be taken seriously when we call for the elimination of abortion.

Shocking…we decided to explore PJ’s answer. 

I love what he said next.  “We serve Him to praise Him and to show we love Him.” 

The next jump in logic was finding out how to serve God.

Matthew 25:40  makes it pretty clear–”whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

So serving others is also serving and praising God.  That’s reason enough for me.

I was going to elaborate on how we are attempting (with lots of leaning on God) to raise children with servant hearts, but the kids are up and I’m out of time.  So it will have to be a different post.

Not-Me-Monday is a blog carnival started by MckMama. Hop over to her blog to see what others (and their husbands) have NOT done this week.

I was lazy (or just plain forgot) last week to write down my NOT ME’s.  Yea, I have to do that or I’ll sit down on Monday and have nothing.  So I was going to write about how I did NOT realize that it was above 50 degrees at 8AM when I left my house this morning.  I did NOT get the kids buckled and return to the house to shed my rain boots for flip flops even though we were running late.  I am NOT that obssessed with flip flops.

But then I realized I’m in no mood for NOT ME! fun today. 

It seems people all around me are going through messy life things.  I’m planning a baby shower for a dear friend which should be a joyous occasion but it’s bittersweet because it should be for two sweet baby girls…not just one.  There are four people close to me that are having serious marriage problems or their marriages are plain just falling down in shambles around them.  I spent time with two of them this morning which I think is why my heart is so heavy just now.  I’m a fixer and a doer and I hate just “being there.”  I want to do something to fix it but realize that being there is what is needed right now.  In my mind, I know the Great God is in charge and I can rest in that.  I’m just waiting for my heart to catch up.

And, although, I could have carried on with NOT ME! and pretended everything was okay, that would have been a lie (or at least a incomplete truth) of sorts.  After all we live in a fallen world, so life is messy, and what would the point of a blog be if I just glossed over the messy or shoved it under the proverbial rug?  That was rhetorical by the way.