I don’t know what took me so long to realize this, but on Sunday, as we were “celebrating” Father’s Day, I came to an odd realization that I wish I had realized when I was but a wee lad. Ready for it….. wait…. wait…. ok… here it is……Father’s day is not about celebrating father dearest! Okay, sure, the day makes people think of their father; especially for those who don’t get to spend the day with their father.
I have two reasons for this. First, I don’t think (although I could be wrong) that anyone celebrates their father. Rather, it is more about their dad. I know, I know… the old cliché “Anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a daddy” is ringing through your head. But think about, there’s quite a bit of truth to the statement. The day should be renamed Daddy’s Day.
Anyway, the second (and may I say much more profound) reason for this is completely different. As I was enjoying the day, I came to realize that I was celebrating. Celebrating myself? Nonsense… anyone who knows me knows that there’s nothing to celebrate there. Rather, I found that I was celebrating being a dad… to three children. All I wanted all day long was to enjoy my children enjoying all that God (the true Daddy to us all) has given them.
So, I have a charge to all children. On Father’s Daddy’s Day, simply enjoy life and let your dad enjoy you doing that!
Now wait a second… I couldn’t possibly end the post like that. I have to be theologically profound in some way (if not at least in my own mind). So, reflecting upon the metaphor of God as Father and my revelation, perhaps there is yet another conclusion. Wouldn’t it be such an awesome thought if everyday was Daddy’s Day to God. What if He celebrates (God celebrating… now there’s a thought) being our daddy and celebrates us enjoying life every day? Think about it.
It’s been a while since I’ve contributed a post, and I am interrupting a 3 part series that I was in the middle of with this post, but I am more in the mood to write thoughts than facts tonight.
So, I’ve been asked several times lately “Does he feel like yours yet?” It seems like such a straightforward question. However, I like to over-analyze questions (and think through them) before I give an answer. But, when I’m asked, I’m stuck…. answer and try not to sound stupid. So, my typical answer is an excessively committal “I guess.” Thereby, I answer nothing.
Why is this question so difficult? First, most people who ask know that I have at least one biological child. So, perhaps their real question is “Do you have the same feelings towards him as you do your other children?” The answer is simple and easy: My feelings towards Ty are nothing like my feelings towards Mia or PJ. The problem with the question though is that there is an assumption that my feelings towards PJ and Mia are the same. Of course, this is a horribly false assumption. I do not have the same “feelings” towards any of my children. So the answer to this question would be a resounding “No.” However, when I consider the original question, I am not sure that the answer “no” is correct.
So, I reflect back and perhaps the question is really “Does it feel normal to have him around yet?” I then contemplate “normal.” What is normal? I don’t think there is anything “normal” about our family and our life together. He’s part of our routine now. But it doesn’t feel normal because he doesn’t do things like the other kids. But then again, would any child? Would a newborn infant that had half of my genetic make up feel normal? Not a chance. But the question implies that a newborn infant that was half of my genes would be “normal.” So, in that case, I do not see a difference in the normality of the two and the answer would be a resounding “yes.” However, once again, considering the original question, I’m not sure the answer “Yes” is a perfect fit. Are you still with me?
So, alas, I am stuck reflecting upon the original question “Does he feel like yours?” So, before reflecting upon the concept of a person being “mine,” I have to move tangentially and consider what it feels like for anything to be “mine.” I am also forced to make a distinction between that which is mine and feels like mine and that which is mine and does not feel like mine. <Yikes> My favorite analogy concerning ownership is to describe the feeling when a twelve year old boy works all summer to earn money to buy a bike. That bike feels more like his than if someone gifted it to him or if he found it mystically discarded by someone into his possession. Now, it didn’t exactly take a lot of effort to get the first two kids, but boy did it ever take a lot of effort to get Ty. So, I am faced with a problem: Does Ty feel more like “mine” than PJ and Mia? Surely not. But what am I left with?
I’m left with a conundrum. In order to give a response, I must consider the concept a person being “mine.” If something is mine, it can only ever become “not mine” if either I bequeath it to somebody else, disown it, or it is taken from me. Now, if I were to die, I have not bequeathed, nor disowned, nor had my children taken from me. Why? Because my children aren’t truly “mine.” No matter how God has worked to add children to my family, I am simply a (can’t think of a great word) steward/caretaker/teacher/<insert other here>. So the direct answer to the actual question is “I have no idea” because I don’t know what it feels like to have a child be “mine.”
I know there are not enough details and pictures to satisfy you all but let me tell you that you’re lucky with what I’ve managed to post. Our days have been jam-packed–starting at around 7AM and ending around 10PM. We got in “early” tonight (around 8PM) which is why I am attempting to stay awake to post. I am warning you in advance about the clarity as I am feeling jet-lagged just plain tired and am sitting with 3 different USB cables to accommodate 5 cameras trying to make sense of everyone’s pictures.
Monday it rained ALL day.
I think I mentioned that before. We were able to explore Insadong Street (long stretch of shops selling everything from tea sets to modern art to jewelry to stationary…pretty much anything but clothes). It was hard to appreciate the experience through the dripping overhangs, wet plastic coverings, and dreary conditions but it was an experience nontheless.
We ate lunch at a restaurant we picked pretty much on its outer character. We were looking for authentic Korean and that’s what we got. It would have been nice to know that we did not need to order a full course meal 4 times over and that the button on the end of the table signaled the waiter and that you always take the check up front in Korea. Then we could have avoided the awkwardness of waiting for the waiter to come take our order, trying to get the check when the meal had just begun, and finally using the bell for something the waiter does not do anyway.
After lunch, we hurried back to the hotel to gather what we needed to take to the Holt office for our first meeting (cameras–video and still, tripod, and gifts for other foster mothers). We got a little lost finding the subway and then a little lost finding Holt Post Adoption Services where I needed to pick up information on our trip to Masan. The receptionist at the Holt Guesthouse (which houses PAS), who I mentioned in an earlier post, delayed us even further. We were 30 minutes late to our first meeting. Apparently late is better than early according to the Korea etiquette books, but I think the foster mother (FM) and Ty had been waiting for a while.
The meeting was a little hectic with 6 of us plus FM, social worker (SW), and Ty. I tried to video tape FM’s answers to my questions but I think PJ’s and Mia’s voices may have drowned her out. Oh, did I mention that the tripod was broken when we arrived at Holt (no idea when this happened) so I had to rig the camera to it with my watch? There will be a great part in the video when Ty and Mia fall backwards into the tripod and send the video camera flying. Thankfully it didn’t hit the ground due to my MacGuyverish camera-securing skills.
Monday night we headed to Itaewon (popular shopping district that caters to westerners). There is no documentation of this because we were too cold and wet to care. We tried to eat dinner but ended up in a pricey, empty (that should have been our first clue) Mexican place where we just shared nachos for $12.
Tuesday we headed to Masan.
Masan is the city where I was born. It is just south of Busan (Korea’s 2nd largest city and it’s largest port) on the eastern coast. Holt graciously coordinated a volunteer (let’s call him H) to take us the 4 hour bus ride to visit the children’s home where I was abandoned shortly after birth.
Upon arriving in Masan, Nana had her first ATM experience (nope, not first internationally) and we hired 2 taxis to take us to Ae Ri Won children’s home. Despite multiple near-death experiences with our taxi driver and getting lost on the hilly (think San Francisco) streets of Seoul, we did make it to Ae Ri Won. Apparently the institution moved in 1988, so it wasn’t even really the place of my abandonment and they have no record of me ever being there, but it was nice (if not awkward) to meet the staff and tour the facility.
Lunch was more authentic cuisine. We even sat on the floor this time. H graciously answered all of our questions as we grilled him about Korean culture, food, etiquette and even his personal life.
After lunch, we wandered down to the water and then into a large (we’re talking 3 or 4 square blocks) fish market. The highlight of the day was when Mia started to feel comfortable enough to greet anyone she rode by with a cheery “anyounghaseo” (“hello”). She turned quite a few heads and most were thrilled to return the greeting.
We spent the rest of the day traveling back to Seoul and then back to our hotel.
Wednesday will have to wait for another day.
It is entirely past my bedtime. The 2009Korea album has been updated with all the pictures to match this post. ENJOY!!
**If you can’t see all 79 photos, click the ‘refresh photos’ button in the upper left of your screen.**
Over the past year, I have learned a lot about adoption and the worldwide orphan problem. I have read articles where people claim that there is no orphan problem. They use the statistic that there are more than 2 waiting families for every child eligible for adoption in the US and that the average wait time to be matched with a child is over two years. Everything that I have read confirms this statistic. Yet, I claim that there is still a problem.
In a future post I will get into some statistics when I have a chance to cite my sources. In the meantime, I want to break out the types of adoption that are available. Before I began this journey, I was unaware of the significant distinctions. The first distinction is between foreign and domestic adoptions. The second distinction is between domestic private and domestic public. So, who ends up in each category? Foreign should be obvious. However, it is not so obvious who falls into each of the two domestic categories.
Let’s start with the domestic public system. How does a child end up in the system? A child ends up here because the child has no relatives that can take the child and the parents either have been deemed unable to provide a safe home for the child or are no longer around. If a woman is pregnant and has decided not to parent, she will be directed to the private system.
Those children that end up in the private system are, generally speaking, healthy infants that come from a variety of mothers that have decided, for whatever reason, not to parent their child.
So, why are there so many waiting parents? The vast majority want healthy Caucasian infants. This process can be very expensive for waiting couples. There is no problem getting healthy newborn Caucasian infants adopted.
What I realized after writing my last post regarding the Adoption tax credit is that I did not draw a distinction among these types of adoption. In my next post, Part II, I will expound upon the domestic public and foreign adoption problems. In Part III, I will lay out numerous statistics that blew my mind regarding the extent of the problem.
I can’t help but look for those things that could be better in pretty much any situation. It’s a bit of a curse as I never seem to be content. However, on the other side, it’s a blessing as I usually have an idea as to how to make it better. The adoption process that we’ve been going through over the past year is no exception to the rule. There are very few aspects to it that I don’t think could be better.
For the sake of this post, I am going to limit my “complaining” to a couple aspects of the governmental process. To be even more specific, as that topic could take up an entire book, I am going to limit it to the financial perspective.
Problem:
The government tries to be nice by offering a $12,000 tax credit to help offset the cost of adopting a child. A tax credit for $12,000 is wonderful, but it’s not the right solution.
First, it’s not quite enough. Simply by having a tax credit of this size indicates that the government believes that adoption helps the common good. Yet, the least expensive foreign adoption (I will address foreign vs. domestic in a later post) is around $20,000. This leaves a minimum of $8,000 to come from somewhere. Where does this come from? It often comes from credit cards, home equity loans, friends and family. For some people, it’s not an issue as they are rolling in dough, but then they don’t need the tax credit to begin with. The amount should be larger.
Second, it should not be a tax credit. I’ve already stated that the people with money are not the issue; it’s the people who need the money in order to adopt. Let’s just use the phrase “lower income.” First, they need to front the $12,000 that they don’t have and wait for the adoption to be finalized. So, let us pretend for a second that a “lower income” family wants to adopt a child and give him a loving home. They begin the adoption process in 2007 and it takes two years before they get the child. The child arrives in July 2009. They then wait for 6 months to finalize the adoption in January of 2010. They then have to wait until February 2011 at the earliest to claim the tax credit. That’s a four year waiting process in which a low income family must float $20,000. To make it worse a low income family may not owe that much in taxes. Let’s pretend that the family only owes $2,000 per year. They have five years in which they can roll over the tax credit. This family will never receive the full benefits and it will take them longer. Lower income families have fewer resources to begin with and get less back in a longer time because it is a tax credit.
I’m not going to even mention the funny money involved as you have to pay thousands to the government to process the immigration paperwork. (Oops…. did I just mention that)
To summarize the problem: The amount is not enough and the people who need it don’t get it all and what they do get they don’t get when they need it.
Solution:
There’s a solution to these problems. There are several possible solutions in fact. I will give one simple one: $20,000 Grants. If a couple uses a licensed agency for the adoption, let the money be available to the agency and let them administer the funds. Of course you need some rules behind it all. For instance, it will only cover incurred expenses. In addition, couples are not allowed to be seeking fertility treatments while in the adoption process. Perhaps a few others to ensure that the money actually gets kids adopted.
Please feel free to comment. I would love to hear other peoples opinions and ideas!
We are an average family living on the east coast who just had the privilege of adopting a little boy from Korea. This is our attempt to capture our life as it happens for future reference and for out of town friends and family. We hope you enjoy. You can subscribe via RSS feed in the lower left corner or enter your email address in the box below for email updates. Contact ushere.
