Let it Go!

Photo courtesy of napong | FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Photo courtesy of napong | FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I mentioned in this post how I was learning to LET IT GO!

Here are some ways that is playing out in our family.

  1. FOOD. One of our kids uses food as a control mechanism. She’ll get upset and one of her attempts at control can sound like, “I’m not eating,” or “I’m not packing any food to take with me.” (We eat a lot of our meals on the go). Because I know how important it is for our kids to have regulated blood sugar and proper nutrition, I used to try to share control. “You can eat whatever you want as long as it includes a protein but not eating is not an option.” However, in the end, I can’t make a kid eat…especially without escalating the situation or without damaging our fragile relationship. Now, I just say, “That’s your choice. I’ll have a snack with me if you change your mind.”
  2. MEDIA. This is a tough one and the LET IT GO only applies for our oldest two kids. One of our older kids especially was used to making independent decisions. The authority of parents is a foreign concept. Forcing a change of paradigm was a relationship dead end. We decided we want to be a safe place, and we cannot provide that and micro manage. So for the older kids, there are no media content restrictions. We chat about making smart and God-honoring decisions in this area of life, but do not monitor the content input. We do not assist our kids in getting inappropriate media but if they choose to listen to an inappropriate radio station on their mp3 player, for example, we don’t police that. The one caveat is that it has to be done in such a way that the other kids in the house are not exposed to it.
  3. SCHOOL. As a homeschool family in a less-regulated state, we have the flexibility to not pick battles in this arena as well. The kids have assignments but they work as they can handle it. With so many relational and culture adjustments on top of years of complex trauma, there is just not always capacity to move ahead academically.
  4. BEHAVIOR DURING DYSREGULATION. Our kids do and say rude, obnoxious, hurtful things when they’re triggered. For our kids, they are totally for a reaction out of us. Until a child is re-regulated, we are attempting to LET IT ALL GO! We find that ignoring all that button-pushing nonsense gets us back to regulation way faster. Once we’ve reconnected, we can address and redo ways to more appropriate communicate BIG feelings.

Trust me, I know that letting go is a lot easier said than done. However, contrary to popular fear, our letting go has created room for increased connection and trust. In the end, they usually do what we want (as they are able). It just needs to be on their terms.

But one day, they will have to just follow the rules. Isn’t this just enabling them?

Kids from hard places have altered brain chemistry and structure. They need years of felt safety and thousands of positive social/emotional interactions to be able to trust or develop empathy. If you are helping them find their voice and identify what they’re truly feeling while you’re giving them space to heal, you are not enabling them. However, pushing them before they’re ready could permanently stunt them.

What about spoiling them…because it sounds like they get what they want?

There is definitely a fine line between what I’m proposing and spoiling. We do not give our kids whatever they want, but we do give them as much as we can. We do not give into whining or manipulating but we do entertain compromises and creative problem solving given it’s done with respect. We also recognize that the cycle of meeting needs is normally not seen as spoiling when a parent is doing it with a newborn. In many ways, our kids are in the same attachment stage as a newborn and they need millions of repeated cycles of having their needs met by us.

How do you get past the feeling that they’re winning?

If you never enter into a battle, there is no winning or losing. It’s like no one can steal from you if you always willingly give. We’ve also had to redefine what victory is. For us, now, victory is a day that doesn’t get violent. If letting go produces that, we are ALL winning. It’s NOT winning if I win a control battle but my child is now at odds with me. We can’t afford at this stage of our relationship to go there.

There is no way my kid would make the right choice.

I’m with you. However, I realized I couldn’t force them to and keep our relationship. We give reasons for why we suggest the choices we recommend and we make it seem really great to go with what we say. We also encourage other adults in their live to reinforce lessons we may be trying to teach. It also turns out that natural consequences are great teachers. After a couple nights of refusing to pack enough food and coming home hungry, our one daughter all of a sudden claimed that she wasn’t going to do that anymore. When she had come home hungry, we reluctantly let her have a small snack, all the while playfully reminding her we were right. The last night, we challenged her to learn her lesson. We didn’t forcefully make her go to bed hungry but suggested it may be a good idea to help her remember not to let this keep happening. We kept the tone light and she stayed regulated enough to learn a lesson. She’s been tempted to use that as a control card since, and I’ve been really proud of how she’s handled it. Will it be a lesson she has to learn again sometime? I’m sure of it. But we’ll take what we can get. Baby steps.

What about kids that aren’t from trauma?

Yup, it’s working for our bio kids, too.

Trust me. I wouldn’t propose such a preposterous tactic if it hadn’t been such a game-changer in our family.

I dare you. A 30 Day Challenge of LETTING GO! What do you need to let go?

Not sure how to implement it in your house, leave a comment or contact me. I’d love to help, and I’ll be your biggest cheerleader!

Posted in Adoption and Orphan Care, Uncategorized and tagged , .

5 Comments

  1. Ok so what is the 30 day challenge? I was joking with family that our motto is “Let it Go” would love to take the challenge, please share.

    • It’s just choosing something that you usually stand your ground on…like brushing teeth, or eating a certain food…that isn’t as important as maintaining a relationship with your kiddo, and letting go! Don’t let disrespect go though!

  2. My son is legally 19, chronologically probably 21 and emotionally young sometimes. He has lived away from home twice since he was 17 and returned. Chores have always been a battle though in the community he is known as an amazing worker. I have always said I am glad he wants to do right because he only does what he wants. He does not do something because he should or because we ask. I have approached my husband about letting scheduled chores go for him and see what he takes up. Like I said he is incredibly responsible. He has run away twice and shows up to school on time. My husband is resistant and wants me to put parameters on it. I have told him I expect him to carry his weight and have left it at that. Si no assigned chores. I am saying lets just see what happens. So here to letting it go!

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