First Year Reflections

We did something few families do (or few social workers let happen). We adopted three, unrelated, older children (all with double-digit ages) basically all at once and out of birthorder when we already had a kid from a hard place in our home. Can you count the red flags? We’re at about T plus a year.

Our year home started with a honeymoon period. The kids were polite, helped without asking, and even rose and offered seats to adults entering the room. Our biggest issue was food which was easy to swallow (get it?) since it was really the only issue. We good humoredly (is that word) offered a variety of foods but were okay if they ate cereal for an entire week. We figured that wouldn’t last forever. Plus, they liked jap chae (our favorite Korean dish) which was major points.

Language seemed to be going well all considered. Everyone was able to communicate what they needed in terms of material things like food and bathrooms.

In hindsight, it was during our ‘honeymoon’ that my expectations started to creep up. We had gone in with all our Dr. Purvis tools on and a very low bar. We didn’t even expect them to call us “Dad” and “Mom.” Then they were so pleasant those first 3 months…Enter expectation creep.

I should have known better. But I didn’t. During those first idyllic months, all my connecting tools slowly slid to the back burner. I began to see them as “normal” adolescents not as trauma-effected children who had been transplanted to a completely different paradigm. When the kids started getting snarky, I got snarky back. It was all downhill from there.

All those reasons a social worker might give you for not doubling the amount of kids in your home with trauma-laden adolescents…they hold water. We had violence, verbal nastiness, sleep issues, food issues, yelling, screaming, stomping, and door slamming. Our reactions were nothing Dr. Purvis would have approved of. There were multiple pairs of kids who were not talking to each other. At one point someone passed the salt the opposite way around the table to the person sitting next to her so they wouldn’t be touching it at the same time. Then there was that time the offering plate got stuck in our row because they wouldn’t touch it at the same time to pass it. That kind of grudge-holding takes talent, people.

We went through a season when it was normal to have a kid give me the silent treatment for days on end. Literally there were no words, just nasty looks. It was also normal for a kid to not eat for days out of pure stubborness.

In my head, I thought I knew how ridiculous our life could look. Afterall, I read blogs and books from a myriad of adoptive families. However, I wasn’t prepared for the feelings of frustration I would feel when my 15-year-old son would repeatedly justify shoving my 30 pound 6 year old because, “He touched me first.” Nor could I fathom how it would feel to watch my 8-year-old sitting broken in a corner after her 12-year-old sister verbally bashed and abused her. Peter wasn’t joking when he talked about being refined by fire. I have no earthly idea how anyone gets through the fire without a significant faith in Jesus.

Day 213

Lest you think our life was completely miserable, there were plenty of good times as chronicled in my {365 Days: The First Year Home} Project.

By the way, committing to a photo a day while you’re family’s going through trauma is no joke. I take those crazy, self-imposed committments way too seriously.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

  1. Thick-skin is a must have. As much as we’d like to think these kids just need love, they do not know how to love back. In fact, they will take the love you offer and crumple it up, spit on it, drag it through the mud, and throw it back in your face as hate and hurt. To be honest, I have no idea how to be emotionally available enough to promote healing, but unavailable for emotional manipulation. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately so I’ll get back to you when I have something concrete. The churchy answer is to just fill yourself up with God so you can love your kids with His Love. But let’s be honest…what does that look like in real life? Yeah…still working on that.
  2. Language comprehension is being faked. Ironically, the more language our kids learned, the more it was apparent they were faking it. As they started becoming more verbally confident, they started telling back things that they perceived as happening. Keyword = perceived. In our house, they’re perceiving the exact opposite of what is going on probably 50% of the time. Another 25% of the time, they’re just confused. You do the math. The amount of true comprehension is alarmingly low.
  3. They have no idea what they’re saying because that would require comprehension (see #2). Silly me. I believe what they say. My daughter recently spent the weekend at a friend’s house and came home to tell me she wished she lived there instead. No shocker there. Then she continued with, “Don’t try be good mom,” with a tone that said, “I don’t know why you even try…you always fail.” I retorted with hurt feelings (clearly I need to read #1). She was immediately offended that I would get so worked up over an innocent question. QUESTION?? “Yeah, Mom. I was just asking question.” Yeah, my bad. Clearly I need to work on my English <<insert drippy sarcasm>>.
  4. Age means nothing. They have bodies that tell one story, academics that tell another, and emotions that tell yet another. Just something else to keep you on your toes if you’re even still standing.
  5. Pick your battles. And the battles you do pick, don’t fight them when your child is dysregulated. Try to keep your eye on the “prize.” We decided we want our kids to feel safe to come back after they realize the real world is as hard as we claim . I can’t keep that road open and micromanage their music choices or what they eat or even what school they do (or don’t do).
  6. Trust-based parenting is the only way. Trust me. We’ve tried it all. If you think it’s not working for you, you’re not doing it right. We’ve been there too.
  7. Make them try food more than once. When they first come home, they won’t like anything. Don’t push it and just try again. I do have a rule about not spitting food out though unless you’re going to vomit.
  8. Friends and family won’t get it. And it’s not for a lack of trying. I can say this with confidence because I have THE BEST friends and family ever and the only ones that “get it” are the ones who have walked through it. Again go back to #1…Don’t take it personally.And last but not least…
    Day 228
  9. It’s all worth it. I truly believe God called us (for a reason unknown on this side of eternity) to all of our kids from hard places. God never promised that obedience would be easy. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

So here’s to surviving long enough to start year two…

Posted in Adoption and Orphan Care, Uncategorized and tagged , .

10 Comments

  1. Thank you for your honest writing! I am a mom to 9 – 4 bio and 5 adopted. We adopted when our children were infants so I don’t have the same experiences as you all. But my heart is right with you. God bless! By the way, one of our sons was born deaf and even though he has cochlear implants now and can hear comprehension is the struggle… always. I have often thought it is similar to comprehension issues in children with language barriers from other countries. Your experience seems to confirm my thoughts.

  2. I just want to say THANK YOU for sharing the hard parts. So many times I have cringed at the thought of Dr. Purvis looking over my shoulder as I fail to be trustworthy to this child. So glad I am not the only one and realizing how desperately this needs to be shared with families BEFORE their kids come home. I was terribly unprepared for the level of hard we would experience. Only AFTER she was home were we given access to certain vital chat groups that would have been so helpful before she was home. Keep speaking up, sister!

  3. Thank you so much for your post. I just found your blog. We are on year 5 with 3 children adopted at once from Foster Care. We also are on (or try our best to be) the Dr. Puvis trust based parenting train and find ourselves so frequently fall off the train head first in the to gravel of snarki-ness. Thank you for sharing that I’m not alone and your encouraging reminders!
    Erin

    • Erin,
      You are most definitely NOT alone! We’re even trainers for ETC and we royally mess up every day.

      Melissa

  4. Melissa – this is such an awesome post! I only have one child from a hard place in my home, and I relate to so much of what you shared. Thank you. I’m heading to Empowered to Connect this week … expecting to get my butt kicked and wanting to get back on the trust-based parenting train. I know I have moments of being on it, but so easy to get derailed with snarki-ness. Looking forward to your year 2. We are starting year 4. And still so hard. Blessings.

    • Amy,
      I pray the ETC conference gives you the hope, encouragement, and energy you need to keep plugging away!
      Blessing in return,
      Melissa

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