Anatomy of a Fight
Posted By Melissa on May 5, 2010
***UPDATE***
Patrick weighed in on this topic here. It’s pretty good.
***Original Post follows***
Remember how I mentioned marriage here? And my husband blogged about it here?
Lest you start believing that we have it all figured out, I will confess that we had a fight last night. I don’t use that term lightly. Mostly we banter, squabble, and bicker. It’s usually over before it starts and it doesn’t leave any lasting impressions. But last night we fought. There were tears, raised voices (ok, my raised voice), and lost sleep. We don’t really fight often (2 or 3 times a year) but we fight “fair” and our fights seem to have a predictable life cycle.
Our fights have become rather predictable…
1. They always happen as we’re going to bed. Maybe it’s because that’s the only time we have to really talk.
2. One of us makes a comment that hurts the other. Pretty much all our fights originate from failed expectations and lack of communication.
3. The fight escalates. We talk in circles. During this time we’re looking out for #1. Usually not listening well. There are lots of hurt feelings.
4. Something clicks. One of us gets off his/her high horse. We get on the same side. We have an intelligible conversation.
5. Every good fights (at least between married people) end with making up 
I’d like to think that we could never fight. If you know me, you know I’m as anti-confrontational as they come. But almost 8 years of marriage has taught me they’re inevitable. So if they have to happen because we’re human and all, you may as well fight fair. This is something I can say Patrick and I have done pretty well over the years.
What does fair look like for us?
1. Never attack each other’s character.
2. Do our best to think of the other first. Try to put yourself in his/her shoes.
3. Be the first to apologize.
4. Stick it out until it’s resolved. I did mention lost sleep, ya?
5. Think before you talk.
6. Work to get on the same side of the problem. I know, much easier advised than done.
7. Never be physically aggressive with each other. I’ve been known to throw some inadament objects before but Patrick wasn’t even in the room.
What do conflicts look like in your marriage? Can you add to the rules for fighting fair list?
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